there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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