Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
