It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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