I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
