i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
