I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize