Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
