I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
