I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
