my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
