Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
