I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
