New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
