How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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