i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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