Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
