So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize