My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
