i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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