I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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