She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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