Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
