We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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