Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
