My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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