Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
