you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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