Yo dont text me then not text me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
