I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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