i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
