Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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