walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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