omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
