He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
