I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
