Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
