I wish I could teleport
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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