Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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