i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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