forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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