My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
