Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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