Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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