Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
