I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
