Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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