I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
