i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
