Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
