Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
