I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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