You're completely useless in the revolution.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
