take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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