Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
