so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
