i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
