After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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