Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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