I think my fart just growled at me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
