Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sundayâ€
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